Pain

So you told me before Thanksgiving that sex has never been enjoyable for you.  That is it painful.  We talked about it last week and then last night.  I know only a week went by between the two times, but I can’t stop thinking about what you said the first time we talked.  You said something to the effect of it is one of the last things on your list to fix and you want to get your allergies taken care of.  I would really love for that to be moved up on your priority list.  I need this connection with you, I feel like you just giving up on trying to solve that problem is giving up on sex all together.  I can’t settle with that.  Don’t you want me?  I want you.  Don’t you feel a need for sex?  If you don’t, truly honestly don’t then I have to deal with that, I have to come to terms with that.  Or if you just will never have pleasurable sex because whatever is causing you pain is incurable, then that too I have to deal with and come to terms with.  When you put our life on the back burner and last that hurts me, it hurts my feelings.  It is as if you don’t care about me.

An epiphany

Wow, what an enlightening morning I had on Saturday.  She told me something heartfelt and honest.  She gets nothing from sex.  I believe her.  It makes sense.  her lack of desire/want comes from the fact that she doesn’t get anything from sex.  Intercourse is uncomfortable at best, but can be painful to her she said.  I can see that on her face and in her body language during intercourse.  So I believe this to be true.  She doesn’t get any pleasure out of giving me pleasure.  So that leaves me pleasing her as the only nice thing for her and since she doesn’t get anything out of the other 2 things it is hard for her to even get in the mood for me to please her.  how do I deal with this?  it is out of my control, it is largely out of her control.  I am understanding.  It makes it understandable, all the problems we have, but how do I live with that?  I did say through sickness and in health, till death do us part.  is this a sickness?  But permanent?  It is the age old question of what does one spouse do when the other can not have sex?

How do couples that can’t have sex deal with that?  how can i?  io think this is the realization that I have come to and the way it is going to be.  unless there is some miracle procedure that can fix things for her, but I doubt there is.  Maybe this is another, or the, source of feeling down in the dumps for her?  She may feel like there is nothing she can do and her man is unhappy and she can’t fix that?  Maybe that theory is true?

Sex is already something uncomfortable for her to talk about and deal with, maybe because of this problem, maybe not, maybe self-image issues, maybe other reasons.  Whatever the reason, she is uncomfortable dealing/talking about sex and so is afraid to ask for help with it, if there is even help out there.

I need to give her space to deal with this, but it needs addressing.  How do you address something and not put pressure on it to fix it?  If anything is to be done or can be done, she obviously has to want to do it.  So I have to motivate her to want to.  I think that is where I go from here.  I love these little conversations with myself.  I come to my own solutions.  I just hope it is the right path.  I still feel like I have many unanswered questions, do some need answering?  Not sure.  Some may have been answered or are mute now that I have a direction to go.

I know I told you this

I know I told you this but I wanted to again, I am very proud of you and happy for you for getting that job.  I am so excited for the future.  I hope you too share this excitement.  I noticed a little pep in your step this week since the news of the job.  I think that is great!

Priorities

I feel less important than a book or TV.  I have asked you several times over the years and again recently this week, would you rather read your book or watch TV or fool around with me.  I consistently get the response of let me read for a bit or let me watch TV for a bit or I would rather read/watch TV tonight.  I feel like I rank lower than those things.  I realize that you want to destress and relax after the day, but can you not do that with me?  Am I a stress?  Is fooling around with me stressful?  It hurts to feel lower on the list than those things.  I know you will probably say I am more important than those things but your words and actions are conflicting.  And it still hurts.

I know you say I am too sensitive, well that is how I am.  I can’t help it.  Maybe that is where our son gets his sensitivity from.  This is who you married, you knew I was this way long ago when we got married.

I am tired of our sexual relationship being forgotten about and refused.

Hypocrite

I feel like such a hypocrite.  I am happy and we get a long well.  We don’t argue.  Yet I am unhappy.  I feel bad for being unhappy.  I feel like I am one way outside the bedroom, happy, and then unhappy in the bedroom.  I don’t know how to change this.  I don’t know how to deal with it.

I feel I know where this is heading

I feel I know where this is heading and I don’t like it.  Sex and intimacy are such huge issues for me that I knowingly have pulled back from you.  I still want you and desire you, but after so long of not feeling wanted and desired back I have on occasion pulled back and just given up.  Ask the doc, I have told her.  I don’t like that I am doing that, but at the same time I can’t be in a one sided relationship like that.  So I think why try to why put forth the effort.  I know deep down it isn’t right.  Please reach out to me.

We are a happy couple that makes this so hard to say these things to you.  We get a long great, I think we work as a great team.  But we don’t focus on each other.  We get the family stuff done but not the “us” stuff.

Let’s talk about sex

Let’s talk about sex, why aren’t we having it more?  Is it me?  is it us?  I have said it many times this is the one thing that we can do together and share as husband and wife.  It can be fun and pleasurable.  it is free.  Do you not find me attractive?

I have no control

I have no control over sex.  I can ask and beg and plead all I want but unless you want it, it ain’t gonna happen.  Why can’t we both want it.

When we married we took vows to be with one another, to be faithful to each other, to love each other through sickness and health.  While sex was not a part of those vows it was implied that we would share intimate moments with each other.  Why don’t we?  Do we have two different views of this?  Did we enter into this marriage with two different expectations?  I came in thinking I am with my friend and lover and we can spend the rest of our lives together being a couple, not roommates.  All I can guess/figure out is that you wanted kids, you got them and now have little use for me except to cook and clean and help out with the kids.  I want more than that.  I want you.

I miss sex

Yes we have been a little intimate off and on for the last couple months, but I am a sexual person, I need that intimacy with you.  I have trouble understanding why sex or lack of sex isn’t a big deal to you.  How you can ignore both of our needs?  You say you are in the mood int he afternoons, I have to work, I can’t be home for that.  So obviously you have needs and desires, as do I.  How come you don’t make it a priority then later?

I fear that sex is disappearing from our relationship, and frankly without that we are little more than roommates that have children together and I don’t like that.  I don’t want that.  I don’t think you do too.

I know sometimes it feels forced but we have to figure something out, this is a really big issue for me.  I have brought it up many times for a long period of time.  I need you to help make it a priority.

I am tired

I am tired of our sex life.  Maybe tired isn’t the best word.  If variety is the spice of life I want it spicy.  I am not saying lets go and invite the world into our bedroom.  I am just saying let’s have fun, experiment, try new things, how do we know we won’t like them until we try them.  I feel like our sex life is stuck in a rut, I enjoy it when we do have sex, but I would like to play, with you, and see if we can make it even more fun.